This is a little something for you dozens of people who come to my sight via googling poodle, ugly poodle, or weird poodle. Who knew I would get such traffic from you poodle lovers and haters! Here is my update to the Palm Beach poodle madness.
I was in Publix the other day on the Island, fresh from the beach, covered in sand and smeared mascara and looking way sub par to the Palm Beach ladies who put on their finest for a trip to the grocery store.
Side note to this side note about poodles …. the Palm Beach Publix has valet parking. The parking lot literally is 20 feet long. Why would you valet?
Anyways, I was in there purchasing hot dogs for an upcoming camping adventure to St. Augustine (balla!). Then, as I veered out of aisle 5 I came face to face with a massive. white. gigantic. poodle.
Visual aid:
Yikes.
Oh my goodness I just about dropped my mystery meat sticks encased in synthetic cellulose casings. These giant poodles freak me out, and who let this big fluff puff into Publix?
Then I saw. The precious old man who had this cotton candy dog on a leash had also taken the time to put on a “Service Dog” vest on it.
Service dog? Really? Really?
Service dogs are labs or German shepherds … but not fluffy afro puff poodles! What service exactly could this poodle provide? Could he sing you Tina Turner songs when you feel like you needed a big hair tune to dance to?
Please note this resemblance.
Anyways, the old Palm Beach man and his massive poodle were so adorable and precious, but so ridiculous at the same time. Although I highly doubt that his poodle companion was a trained service dog, I don’t doubt that the little old man loved that fluff enough to take it into the grocery store. I should have fed it a hot dog. Onward soldiers!
I was working some Palm Beach socialite event, and I overheard this amazing story. It was too good not to share! I wish I had my own stories like this to share but instead I just write about other peoples experiences in my pathetic blog. What? Moving on…
This Palm Beach socialite was just casually talking to one of her other… socialite friends.
She was wearing her LBD ( that’s a ‘little black dress’ for those of you who don’t accidentally read fashion magazines like I may or may not do from time to time…..ahem. Accident.)
Her lips were overly plumped, perhaps with fat taken from her buttock (people actually do that! Then if they ever tell someone to ‘kiss their butt’, there are a variety of places to choose from!)
Her hair was bigger then that of a Texan woman’s…and, stealing a line from a guilty pleasure movie Mean Girls, it was so big because it was full of secrets. I always look for those big, secret holding coifs and try to listen in on their conversations. Much more entertaining then watching the same band sing the same Black Eye Peas songs over and over again…and much more calorie friendly then shoving bacon wrapped scallops in my mouth behind a curtain.
Anyways, I overheard this story and just loved it.
Big Hair LBD Woman: So, I was at this movie premier the other day in LA. Every one was there, it was hot. We started taking our seats in these long rows set up. All of a sudden, Aretha Franklin comes and sits RiGhT at the end of our row! We were all star struck…but then we realized….we were also all STUCK! Love her, but the woman is big and to go around her would be a feat.
Visual Aid:
Prescious soul that she is. Love herrrr…
So the movie and the presentation rolls on..and people started needing drinks or to pee and so on. They would look around awkwardly and weigh their options. Go all the way down this huge long row, waving their lipo butt in front of everyone’s sculpted noses, and trip over everyone’s Christian Louboutin shoes. OR! Option two…a short route that ends with a climb over mount Aretha. Everyone chose option one and took the long route.
So, I was low on martini and needed a refill and a potty break. I saw how everyone had made a fool of themselves walking down the entire row…and I said I choose option two! I will take on the Aretha. So, I walked a couple seats over and I said to Queen Aretha…’Miss Aretha. I mean no dis- R.E.S.P.E.C.T…but I need to get out. And there is no way but up and over ‘yo big self!”
And she said to me in her deep famous voice “Baby…if you can get over me…more power to ya!”
And so this woman and her way to tiny dress begins to work her way across Aretha Franklin. At one point she got stuck and was in a full force straddle with the queen of soul, her dress hikied up so far in was inappropriate for even LA. IT was then Arethra belted out “I have never loved a man the way I love you.” And then…’You make me feel like a natural woman. Wommannnnn.” The LBD woman shot back “It isn’t, it wasn’t, it ain’t never gonna be.”
Eventually the woman made it over the road block, and the world kept on turning. Aretha got a little love, and the woman got another story she could put in her vault under her pompadour.
The LBD woman made a human bridge …over troubled water. Amen. Holla.
