Monthly Archives: June 2009

Magical Wedding Cake Resurrected

Ok…so I had previously written about a $50,000 wedding cake that I wanted to punch in its third tier.  But apparently when you buy a cake at that price, it comes with…MAGICAL POWERS!!!! muahaha.

Setting: Ballroom. Event:  Super nice wedding…as always. Cake: Right in front of the door so the world sees it when they walk inside.

There the 5 tier cake sat it all its glory.  It had its own table, and its own spotlight.  Its crystal sugar glistened in the candle lit room.  Sigh.  I bet it tasted delicious…

Anyways, things started getting exciting.  People started shaking their booty’s, and the drinks were flying.

Not sure exactly how it happened…but someone drank and shook a little to much around the shrine of the cake…and

sha-BAM!

Emergency! Cake down!  Cake down!

It collapsed.

OMG.  That thing probably cost a ton ton ton.  And it was done done done.

So, chefs more frazzled then the bride hustled out with a wheeled table and hoisted the once radiant pastry onto it.  With their white hats erect like little cake making Keebler elves, they whisked it away into who knows where land.

This is where the hotel and all its wealth conjured up the spirits of the late Henry Flagler and worked its magic.

No exaggeration.

About 7 minuets later….out came the cake.  Looking better then it did before. 

Magic.

Magical.

A mystery.

How did they do it??!!

The big question of the night: can the chefs take me into their magical room and make me look better then when I went in?

Not if I am still wearing this tuxedo. Sigh.

Would You Care for Caviar Oh My Goodness I See a Nude.

There is a courtyard in the middle of the hotel.  Decorated beautifully with huge staircases, and a central fountain complete with classical Greek statues spiting water out of their circular stone mouths..  The ground is covered in crooked old bricks which provide an excellent opportunity to trip and fall on your face… but that’s another story.  There are several guest rooms that surround this courtyard that light up at night like fire.

People often hold events in this area, usually breakfast, lunch, or wedding receptions.  When we have to set up for breakfasts there we have to usually arrive around 4:30 a.m.  The Florida heat is already sweltering and by the time the guests get there it looks like they are being served by a clan of frizzy haired homeless.

Anyways…party: reception. Time of day: Night.  Rooms: Lit up.

We were tuxedo clad, and ready to get the night rolling.  I grabbed a plate of mini hot dogs or something to that effect, and walked out to begin the evening of slavery. 

But when I got out there, I noticed something odd.  All the boys were walking around with the heads held higher then usual.  Hmm..

There faces were turned upward as if trying to get a night time tan.  It was almost as if they were not even looking at the guests when they offered them food or drink, rather there eyes remained at an upward slant toward some unknown object…

I went up to a fellow server and asked what was up…literally? I am lame.

Anyways.  He replied…

Boobs.

Boobs?  I followed his gaze.  Some intelligent, wonderful guest was getting ready for here glamorous evening…NAKED!  With the light on!  Her entire body illuminated and on display.

Say WhAt?

You could see everything.  And she stayed there…for a long time.   It takes awhile to get ready if you are a rich and famous…

Anyways, she could not have picked a worse room or a worse time to do her makeup in the nude.  At least according to me…

But to the dozen male servers in that courtyard that night…her timing was perfect.  

I mean….who doesn’t dream of towering butt naked over an entire courtyard full of people wining and dining on California rolls and Cristal? 

Not on my to-do list anytime soon.

LOVE.

Bernie Madoff With all the Money

Ok ok that joke is lame and overused but I still find it fascinating his last name is Madoff…so so appropriate.

SO!  During the week of this worms sentencing, I suppose I could share my Bernie Madoff experience.  No, I did not meet him, nor did I lend him any money…

BUT the night before the whole scandal broke and took over the media, I was yet again in my tuxedo serving the rich. 

It was a real ‘Palm Beach’ event, one filled with locals who supposedly by now I am supposed to recognize, but don’t.  Maybe because when I meet them I am to involved in staring at their wedding rings and trying to comprehend how a person could own a diamond that big.  Maybe that is why I don’t recognize their faces…I only know them by rings. 
 
Click here for an example of some ice ice baby…

ANYWAYS.  I was standing in the hall, being a ‘human arrow’ as they call it. AKA I was standing there doing NOTHING, and getting paid for it.

There was several guests buzzing around, and there was a hushed whisper.  I managed to make out some words from a lady, that at the time I was confused by but now it is obvious..

Not a lot of people will be dancing tonight…..Some people lost millions….etc.

And it was true.  The next day we all realized that some freak a leak living one mile from us stole billions of dollars from people in and around Palm Beach, and the country. 

However, if these people were at the party, they still danced.  Maybe when you loose 20 million dollars the only thing left to do is dance away your troubles? Hmm….

Anyways,  it was interesting to see that first hand account of the people of Palm Beach during that time of hardship.  And to see the effects in our community.  Every Saturday and Sunday down the street from my house this huge warehouse opens up with ‘estate liquidation’, which basically is a Palm Beach garage sale.

But even these rich leftovers are out of my price range!  Sigh…I don’t live rich…I serve the rich.  Holla.

Notable Quote: Don’t pop my implant…

It was a convention for local plastic surgeons.  It was a normal event, with tan table cloths…aka boring.  However, once people started showing up things got a little more interesting.

Welcome to the convention of people who look…..strange?

It was cosmetic surgery heaven.

Every woman there had been tweaked, pulled, prodded and plumped.  Granted, some looked good….but some were overly sliced and diced to the point where they looked like they arrived at the party in a space ship.

Click this link for an excellent example of a walking talking plastic human…

Anyways, they were giving away awards for who knows what…maybe who looks the most different then they did in high school?  Who most likely would not be recognized by their own mother?  Whose nose looks like the most like Michael Jackson’s? (RIP oh King of Pop. 😦  )

Moving on..this lady goes up to receive her award.  As this lovely surgeon goes to pin the medal or ribbion or whatever onto her..chestal area..(the highlight of his night).. She proclaims, in front of 400 some people:

DON’T POP MY IMPLANT!

Into the mike, loud and proud.

Moral of the story…always be careful when pining things onto fake chests…they might pop?  Make its something they teach you in post op.

Celebrity Sighting: Gloria Estefan Smells like an Angel…what?

Sometimes people or companies have a lot of money…so they hire singers to put on full blown concerts for their event.  This event was a fundraiser for the Everglades National Park.  It was decorated amazingly…there were beautiful flower moss nature-ish centerpieces…etc.  AND there was…GLORIA ESTEFAN!

 CUE: Conga music that makes me shake my tuxedo covered tail feather.

Come on , shake your body baby, do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Come on , shake your body baby, do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer

 

With that blaring in my ears all night, I was instantly a happy server.

ANYWAYS….. backstage.  There she was.  Her hair, extra curly, extra bouncy.  Her height…very short.  I walked by her and BAM!

The chick…smelled like an angel.  Her scent was like the most lovely fragrant flowers mixed with your mom cooking Christmas cookies, a side of fresh baby and a hint of love.

And that is the entire point of this post.  To inform the world….that Gloria Estefan smells good.

The. End.
 
And whatever perfume she wears…the world would be a better place if we all bought some.

Guido Whale Noise Wedding Speech.

Ah…weddings.   Such a classy event…especially at (insert name of Palm Beach hotel that I leave out for purposes of trying to keep some anonymity but still its really obvious what I am talking about.)  Every wedding I have ever worked on Palm Beach has been truly beautiful…sigh….EXCEPT!

for the…

GUIDO.  WEDDING. FROM. HELLLLLLL!

Literally this was the absolute most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, especially at a 5 diamond hotel where one wedding would cost more then probably more money I would ever make in my lifetime.  Sigh.

So…the scene was outside in the Beach Club.  It is a smaller venue, right on the pool.  Cocktail hour is usually outside, then the dinner inside.  Lovely.

I remember the decorations were beautiful.  Huge flower arrangements that probablycost more then my wedding’s entire flower budget.

I thought to myself…whoever designed this wedding must be classy, beautiful, and tasteful.  It will be such a great wedding.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

NEVER in my three years of working had I ever seen a more trashy wedding.  Never in my LIFE!  And I am from MINNESOTA!  Not exactly the most classy upscale state… I mean, most cities up there center around wall-eye statues the size of my Toyota. 

Anyways.

In walks the bride.  The BRIDE.  Lets just say….she was huge.  She was loud.  She was yelling curse words at her new husband all night.  She was …crazy?

Que the groom: GUIDO!!!

According to the credible, wonderful, educational website known as Wikipedia, a Guido can be described as

“Guido” (or “Gino”) is a slang term for a younger lower class or working class Italian-American. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry.

Amen. 

I guess they all flew down from Brooklyn, NY.  Now, I am sure that there are many, many amazing lovely people from Brooklyn.  But they were not invited to this wedding.

And so it starts. 

I had a whole table of black spiky overly-gelled haired men with thick NY accents and gold chains dangling around their neck.  If it had been 1970 I am sure these men would have had on powder blue tuxs. Rented. Anyways,  as I would walk up to each one and offer an hourderve, they would send me right back..there best pick up line.  I think someone even tried to make conversation about my white mickey mouse serving gloves in a half attempt to flirt I guess? Sigh.  Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be blond.  It is going to be a long night.

They were bossy, they, were loud…and they were confused.

One G-do looked at the menu and noticed the entree was filet mignon.  He looks at me through his pudgy black eyes all squinted and confused and asked “is there anything else?”  The bride did not offer other choices.  I had to get him some nasty chicken from who knows where.

WHATS wrong with you man?  Us servers die for those filets.  We shove them down our throats in back dark dirty corners of the kitchen at record speeds, and force ourselves to swallow when our managers come around the corner…sometimes almost chocking ourselves to death.

But its worth it for the fillet.  Sigh.

Anyways, cue wedding speech.

The bride waddles up to the front.  And the speech begins.

It. went. on. forever.

And THIS is NO EXAGGERATION. 

Listen up kids.  If you want to know how to give a classy refined speech at your wedding…THIS IS NOT IT.

Every couple words she would break out… in whale call noises.

Please click HERE for an excellent example of a variety of whale calls in which the bride portrayed. WHALE CALL NOISES.

OK, it actually was her crying.  But she would just sit there for 60 seconds and literally try to speak to the humpbacks swimming far out at sea!  Or at least it sounded like it….  I just didn’t understand. Sigh.

She got especially emotional when she talked about some special memories she held dear to her heart:

“I remember the first time I got drunk…sniff sniff…whale noise…and high…sniff whale.”

She was fondly remembering her first moments of inebriation in front of an entire wedding party at a wedding that probably cost over $200,000.  WhAt!!  It happened. Believe it.

So, 2 hours later when the whale noises stopped…the fun continued.

As I stepped around puddles of vomit from the father of the groom, and avoided all the spiky black hair rented tuxedo bud lite drinking men who as the night went on became even more chatty… I began thinking.

How did they even PAY for this wedding?  Are these people from EARTH?  And when will this night from Guido hell endddddddddddddddd…..muahahaha

Grandma, daughter, and cheating buisness man take fall.

Then after the show its the after party… And after the party its the hotel lobby.”  -The Wise R Kelly

Oh drunks.  There was a man, clad in his gold wedding ring and best business suit, leaning up against the bar… clearly  flirting with a woman who was in no way his wife, and, her mother. Not just the daughter…but both. Ew.  They were at the after party of some event, so he had already been overly wined and dined all night.  But since he was leaning up on the bar, and could some what control his speech, the extent of his inhalation was not yet visible, so onward and upward with the wine pour! 

But then, best said in the words of Semisonic…

“Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every
girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or
beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here”

 

I don’t know why I keep quoting old school songs…but I like it.

Anyways, closing time.

The man props himself off the bar, and begins to walk….horizontally.

Literally this man defied gravity.  He was swerving like a drunk on I-95. No lies….he probably made 7 laps around the room before making it to the door…

Seeing his inebriation, the ladies he was lusting for (collectively)  allowed him to lean on them as they tried to steer him out  of the ballroom.  But as they walked out the door, literally all of the servers in the room perked there heads  up like meercats, and ran to the door. We knew what was about to happen.  We knew.

We knew …that right outside of the room was …..STAIRS. Cue Beethoven’s Fifth.

And this big drunk baboon with the middle age and elderly women on his arms was heading right for it.

One step, two steps, aaaanddddddddddddd……..

 cue WIPE OUT.  The man went head first down stairs, taking the ladies with him.  Oh and on his way down he made sure to smash his noggin into the cement wall. oucchh.

So, the ladies and the buffoon were flattened, in the middle of one of the classiest hotels in America.

A true moment of pride for that married business trip attender.  I bet he received a promotion after this class act evening.

sigh.

Yet another shift….