Ah…weddings. Such a classy event…especially at (insert name of Palm Beach hotel that I leave out for purposes of trying to keep some anonymity but still its really obvious what I am talking about.) Every wedding I have ever worked on Palm Beach has been truly beautiful…sigh….EXCEPT!
GUIDO. WEDDING. FROM. HELLLLLLL!
Literally this was the absolute most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, especially at a 5 diamond hotel where one wedding would cost more then probably more money I would ever make in my lifetime. Sigh.
So…the scene was outside in the Beach Club. It is a smaller venue, right on the pool. Cocktail hour is usually outside, then the dinner inside. Lovely.
I remember the decorations were beautiful. Huge flower arrangements that probablycost more then my wedding’s entire flower budget.
I thought to myself…whoever designed this wedding must be classy, beautiful, and tasteful. It will be such a great wedding.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
NEVER in my three years of working had I ever seen a more trashy wedding. Never in my LIFE! And I am from MINNESOTA! Not exactly the most classy upscale state… I mean, most cities up there center around wall-eye statues the size of my Toyota.
In walks the bride. The BRIDE. Lets just say….she was huge. She was loud. She was yelling curse words at her new husband all night. She was …crazy?
Que the groom: GUIDO!!!
According to the credible, wonderful, educational website known as Wikipedia, a Guido can be described as
“Guido” (or “Gino”) is a slang term for a younger lower class or working class Italian-American. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry.
I guess they all flew down from Brooklyn, NY. Now, I am sure that there are many, many amazing lovely people from Brooklyn. But they were not invited to this wedding.
And so it starts.
I had a whole table of black spiky overly-gelled haired men with thick NY accents and gold chains dangling around their neck. If it had been 1970 I am sure these men would have had on powder blue tuxs. Rented. Anyways, as I would walk up to each one and offer an hourderve, they would send me right back..there best pick up line. I think someone even tried to make conversation about my white mickey mouse serving gloves in a half attempt to flirt I guess? Sigh. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be blond. It is going to be a long night.
They were bossy, they, were loud…and they were confused.
One G-do looked at the menu and noticed the entree was filet mignon. He looks at me through his pudgy black eyes all squinted and confused and asked “is there anything else?” The bride did not offer other choices. I had to get him some nasty chicken from who knows where.
WHATS wrong with you man? Us servers die for those filets. We shove them down our throats in back dark dirty corners of the kitchen at record speeds, and force ourselves to swallow when our managers come around the corner…sometimes almost chocking ourselves to death.
But its worth it for the fillet. Sigh.
Anyways, cue wedding speech.
The bride waddles up to the front. And the speech begins.
It. went. on. forever.
And THIS is NO EXAGGERATION.
Listen up kids. If you want to know how to give a classy refined speech at your wedding…THIS IS NOT IT.
Every couple words she would break out… in whale call noises.
Please click HERE for an excellent example of a variety of whale calls in which the bride portrayed. WHALE CALL NOISES.
OK, it actually was her crying. But she would just sit there for 60 seconds and literally try to speak to the humpbacks swimming far out at sea! Or at least it sounded like it…. I just didn’t understand. Sigh.
She got especially emotional when she talked about some special memories she held dear to her heart:
“I remember the first time I got drunk…sniff sniff…whale noise…and high…sniff whale.”
She was fondly remembering her first moments of inebriation in front of an entire wedding party at a wedding that probably cost over $200,000. WhAt!! It happened. Believe it.
So, 2 hours later when the whale noises stopped…the fun continued.
As I stepped around puddles of vomit from the father of the groom, and avoided all the spiky black hair rented tuxedo bud lite drinking men who as the night went on became even more chatty… I began thinking.
How did they even PAY for this wedding? Are these people from EARTH? And when will this night from Guido hell endddddddddddddddd…..muahahaha