Beware: Jealous Wives have Happy Hands

So…hopefully this story is more fun to read then to experience.

  cue: disgusted shuddering. 

It was just…ew.

Setting: Big fundraiser banquet.  Me: Tuxedo clad…serving wine.

So, many a times shifts can get quite boring.  When the only thing you really have to do is walk around and pour wine or fill water….yea. Boring.

Therefore, small talk can often be the solution to a semi-interesting evening.  Or sometimes it may lead to a semi- tip.  You never know.  So…you make small talk.

I don’t know how or why the subject came up, but I began talking to this middle aged man about my husband…who is an actor.

He was explaining to me how his son was also an actor.

Ok, for those of you are lost…. I will break it down for you.

We were talking about MY HUSBAND: AKA…I am married. In a committed relationship.  Taken.  Off the market.

and HE was talking about his SON: AKA he is MARRIED and a FATHER.  And he was like 50. ew.

Ok so this chat about our loved ones and committed relationships seemed to make a little someone jealous…his WIFE. She was sitting right next to him.

With her blond curly hair all tufted up on the top of  head, she casually looked around as if doing nothing suspicious, and reached her hand with her perfectly manicured red nails over and started….groping his crotch.

fiddling his diddle.  tickling his pickle.

Can you say awkward turtle?

She thought her little plan of action was under the table cloth…oh it was not.  It was in the wide open air of the ballroom.

OMG.  Are you serious?  I was one foot away TALKING to the poor man. AH!

He jumped  back obviously shocked by her immediate need to express her control issues..I mean love…to the man.  A brief glance down to his lap…by both of us…and we just pretended like it never happen.  Her red nailed fingers kept going back for more, still thinking it was hidden under the tan table cloth…and our convo awkwardly continued.

Ah…so acting…um cool…yea he loves theater…ah…hooo boy. Ok any more wine? Ok great nice talk bye.

How do you get out of a situation like that? It was awful.  Later I saw just the two of them at the table, talking in a hushed, stern tone.  So awkward.

I didn’t refill her wine glass the rest of the night.

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