Breaking News Update as of 980 B.C.: Jewish People Don’t Eat Pork

This was a fundraiser function.   It actually is pretty cool…they raise money to buy ambulances in Israel.  They bring in one of the actual ambulances and illuminate it out on the lawn.  The most random party decoration I have ever seen.
Anyways, every Jewish person in South Florida basically shows up for this thing.  We have the event every year…it is nothing new.  Which makes this story even more ridiculous….
There I was, dressed in my black polyester finest, complete with my black mens tube socks sagging at the ankle.  My mickey mouse serving gloves already had a stain, and I was ready to serve.
It was reception time, and my job was to pass cold horderves.  I had a whole tray of asparagus wrapped in boison cheese and brochutto.
Brochutto…hmmmm. That is pork.  Kinda like raw, slimy, weird pork. Oink.

Jewish people don’t eat pork.  They basically never have. This is nothing new. Yet still…this happened. 
I looked at the pork slime wrapped around the green stems and I thought…hmmm.  Should I say something? I don’t think this crowd is  going to be big fans of the still squealing horderves.
I asked my supervisor what to do.  ‘Just serve them.  The party planner ordered them.’
Who exactly was this so called ‘party planner?”  My best guess is a Palestine undercover trying to sabotage the Israelites snacking pleasures.  Horderves can get quite political if your not careful…
So, I shrugged and did what I was told.  I ventured out into the sea of yamakas with my pork in hand.  I put on my best ‘I am at work and supposed to be smiling’ smile and did my thang.
I offered one person an horderve.  I got a funny look and a no thanks.
I offered someone else…I got a ‘What is that?’
“Brochutto…It’s pork.”  I just wanted to cover my bases…
They responded with the whole ‘turn my head, nose in the air, I am so rich, don’t respond and pretend like the server does not exist’ no thank you.  You are so welcome.
Another person asked…I told them, pork!  They threw sneaky sideways glances around to see if there was a Rabbi lingering in sight.  The coast was clear. They stuffed a couple into their mouth and a few more under their yamaka for later. Gave me a wink. 
Moving on.

Then…there was this overly aggressive, and apparently hungry man who was mid conversation.  He gave a half glance at the food , grabbed one and shoved it into his bearded mouth.
His eyes got wide.  His side curls started quivering with anger.
Is….this… PORK? the man stammered.
Ah….yes. It is.  I replied.
Crap hit the fan.  He went nuts. 
We are JEWISH!  We don’t eat pork!  How could you! What was this place thinking?  This is a JEWISH fundraiser!
Yadda yadda, yell yell yell.
Oh dear.
So I walked back to the kitchen and explained to my supervisor the situation.
Ok..into the trash they go.  No exaggeration, I probably threw away one hundred of these things. And…just because we work on Palm Beach Island..hourderves are priced at…$5 a pop. I threw away hundreds of dollars of asparagus and weird bacon. Goodbye oh overly priced snack…
But I must be honest….I am not Jewish.  And I love brochutto… and asparagus.  Before I tossed them all…I tossed a couple in my belly.  I thank you, ancient Jewish traditions…I thank you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s