Monthly Archives: August 2009

Weird Wedding Alert: 25 brides in one wedding.

Weird wedding alert: Wedding party of 50.

Ok, so sometimes people feel the need to throw all of their sorority sisters into their wedding party, so they have 10 bridesmaids.  Or, there always is that awkward sister in law that you feel compelled to add in…or your fiances second cousin who basically asked to be in the wedding party.  Things like this happen, its understandable.  Sometimes, wedding parties get big.

But this one wedding…well…it was really big.

The bride had 25 bridesmaids.

25.

Say what? Do I even have 25 friends?  I could not believe it.  And somehow, the groom mustered up 25 reluctant groomsmen to pair perfectly with each woman.

But this isn’t the end of it…

All 25 bridesmaids were wearing white, floor length gowns.

Um…which one is the bride? I couldn’t tell.  Its like she was making the guests play a guessing game.  It was Wheres Waldo: wedding edition.

Each of the 25 bridesmaids were wearing their own mini wedding gown.  Some of them were pretty risque too…

One woman had a completely backless white silk gown that showed more cleavage than your great aunt Bertha in a bikini.  Only on Palm Beach Island would this occur.

Everyone is different and every bride is different….I guess this one took sharing is caring to the extreme and wanted ever single friend and family member join in on the white dress festivities! Cheers.  Don’t spill on your gown.

Overheard: Woman straddles Aretha Franklin

I was working some Palm Beach socialite event, and I overheard this amazing story.  It was too good not to share! I wish I had my own stories like this to share but instead I just write about other peoples experiences in my pathetic blog. What? Moving on…

This Palm Beach socialite was just casually talking to one of her other… socialite friends.

She was wearing her LBD ( that’s a ‘little black dress’ for those of you who don’t accidentally read fashion magazines like I may or may not do from time to time…..ahem. Accident.)

Her lips were overly plumped, perhaps with fat taken from her buttock (people actually do that!  Then if they ever tell someone to ‘kiss their butt’, there are a variety of places to choose from!)

Her hair was bigger then that of a Texan woman’s…and, stealing a line from a guilty pleasure movie Mean Girls,  it was so big because it was  full of secrets.  I always look for those big, secret holding coifs and try to listen in on their conversations.  Much more entertaining then watching the same band sing the same Black Eye Peas songs over and over again…and much more calorie friendly then shoving bacon wrapped scallops in my mouth behind a curtain.

Anyways, I overheard this story and just loved it.

Big Hair LBD Woman:  So, I was at this movie premier the other day in LA.   Every one was there, it was hot.  We started taking our seats in these long rows set up.  All of a sudden, Aretha Franklin comes and sits RiGhT at the end of our row!  We were all star struck…but then we realized….we were also all STUCK!  Love her, but the woman is big and to go around her would be a feat. 

Visual Aid:

 

Prescious soul that she is.  Love herrrr…

So the movie and the presentation rolls on..and people started needing drinks or to pee and so on.  They would look around awkwardly and weigh their options.  Go all the way down this huge long row, waving their lipo butt in front of everyone’s sculpted noses, and trip over everyone’s Christian Louboutin shoes.  OR!  Option two…a short route that ends with a climb over mount Aretha.  Everyone chose option one and took the long route.

So, I was low on martini and needed a refill and a potty break.  I saw how everyone had made a fool of themselves walking down the entire row…and I said I choose option two!  I will take on the Aretha.  So, I walked a couple seats over and I said to Queen Aretha…’Miss Aretha.  I mean no dis- R.E.S.P.E.C.T…but I need to get out.  And there is no way but up and over ‘yo big self!”

And she said to me in her deep famous voice “Baby…if you can get over me…more power to ya!”

And so this woman and her way to tiny dress begins to work her way across Aretha Franklin.  At one point she got stuck and was in a full force straddle with the queen of soul, her dress hikied up so far in was inappropriate for even LA.  IT was then Arethra belted out “I have never loved a man the way I love you.”  And then…’You make me feel like a natural woman. Wommannnnn.”  The LBD woman shot back “It isn’t, it wasn’t, it ain’t never gonna be.”

So, remember on the playground when you used to play spider on the swings?  This big haired socialite played spider….with Aretha Franklin. (Ok so I tried to find a picture to demonstrate the spider swing but found nothing but teenage girls being little harlots on the swings for the video camera and boy behind it.  BUT  I did find this…and just thought I would add it)

Eventually the woman made it over the road block, and the world kept on turning.  Aretha got a little love, and the woman got another story she could put in her vault under her pompadour. 

The LBD woman made a human bridge …over troubled water. Amen. Holla.

Check back!

Check back soon to read about what happens when a very very large Aretha Franklin blocks everyone in a row of seats.  One woman decides to take on the Aretha road block…in a mini skirt.

‘Straight’, married, old important political figure tries to pick up male server. EW

So often in the news you hear about big higher ups in Washington having huge sex scandals revealed.  But its not so often that you see one, that has not yet been uncovered, happen before your eyes. 

This is another ew story. Ew.

There was a boring conservative function in one of the ballrooms.  It was a dinner, that had all the characteristics of a normal function, minus the fun.

Tan tablecloths covered the tables…an instant warning that whoever put together this event did not have fun in mind.

Ok you are going to have to forgive me because I can’t remember exactly who this function was for.  But I can tell you this.

They were politicians…congressmen? Senators? The exact title is irrelevant… something of the national level.  They were of such importance that there were secret service outside the ballroom blocking the doors.

This one particular mystery politician was about 65, 70 years old.  He had white hair and dressed in a black suit…donning his American flag lapel pin.

He was pointed out to us as someone important. Blah blah blah.

His wife was there.  This is an important thing to note. His WIFE was there.

Anyways, there was this server named Tony.  He was Italian, had long dark hair slicked back, olive skin and a sense of humor.  We all liked him, he was a cool guy.

Anyways, this important white haired politician approaches Tony.  Tony offers him a cocktail wiener (ahem) or something to that extent.  The politician accepts, then pulls Tony in close.  The married to a woman, important influence on our country politician says through his sly yellow teethed grin

I like your smile.

“Thank you”, Tony replied.

The man tightens his grip on Tony’s arms still muscled from his stint in the Army, and pulls him in closer.

No, I REALLY like your smile..

And with that, the important political figure popped the cocktail wiener into his mouth, gave Tony another look…and walked back over to his wife.

His poor, poor wife.

EW.

This really happened, I could not make this up.

Tony, after throwing up a little into his mouth, came right back to the kitchen and told us his horrifying tale.

We all choked on our fillet mignon and sushi rolls we were shoving in our mouths in the back freezer.  One person started laughing and shot stolen Diet Coke out of his nostrils.

I kept watch the rest of the night for the political pervert.  I saw the old man throw Tony winks, or just stare longingly in his direction.

All while his wife kept chatting and kept sipping.

Maybe the candy apple martini numbs the pain?  Or makes you blind…

This was so disgusting.But it was real and it happened.

Good thing this man has the fate of our country in his hands…..ah…yup. Sigh.

Just another day on the job…