I have seen some weird food in my days serving. It never ceases to amaze me how a slimy fatty liver or something that is cut out of a fish can be considered a delicacy. This is a little section that discusses 3 foods I think are absolutely disgusting, but still cost more than a week of groceries.
I love how at parties I will carry around trays of something absolutely delicious, such as a mini Cuban sandwich. Everyone will turn their noses at the sight of a tiny smear of butter and cheese. Then I will bring around a huge tub of forest green, stinky caviar. (When I serve it I almost want to speak in a British accent … it just seems appropriate.) So I offer the tub of gooed fish eggs, and everyone actually begins to acknowledge that I am a human being and start oohing and ahing over this mass of undeveloped minnows. ‘Oh caviar! How lovely. I adore Caviar” Yadda yadda yadda .,.. you probably actually hate it but you can’t let Nancy sitting at your right think that you aren’t made of all class. So the caviar always sells.
But I was researching the fish that the eggs actually come out of, and it was quite… disgusting. I wonder if people would be so excited about the ‘delicacy’ if I served it wearing a T-shirt with this image on it. Muahaha:
Sick. You realize you are eating the eggs of a fish that sports a moustache tackier that Hulk Hogan’s. Honestly it doesn’t taste that good.
2. Foie Gras.
For all you people not accustomed to fine dining I will translate foie gras for you. It is is French for ‘fat liver.’ They take a duck and stuff it until it is resembles Michael Moore in Supersize Me. Then, they slap the slimy slab right on the plate and top it with whatever they feel like. At the hotel, we often serve it topped with …ready for this ….brace yourself…. peanut butter and jelly. I just threw up a little typing that. Say WhAt? PB&J over a slice of obese DUCK LIVER? Lets just say that is a far stretch from the PB&J my mom would pack me back in the good old days. At what point in life do we stop wanting peanut butter and jelly on delicious white wonder bread and instead turn to fatty duck liver? This is the worst part. They stuff tubes down the goose’s throats and don’t let them move just so their liver gets fatty enough to be enjoyed on a cracker.
Now pair that with this:
Are you hungry yet?
3. The Oyster.
Ah seafood. I know oysters are not that fancy schmancy or even that gross. Many people like them. However slurping down something that has the consistency of a slimly lymph node does is not appealing to me, especially when it smells like a marina. But this is why I added the oyster to the list of foods I won’t eat no matter how dignified I become.
A lovely gentleman, who works at the hotel bussing dishes down into the dishwashing room, told me this tale of oyster horror. Since he gets to encounter all the left over food (and trust me there always is enough to feed every homeless person in Florida), he endulges here and there. He told me that he loved oysters, and whenever a raw bar would come through he would eat a couple. Then…(cue dramatic and frightening music) …one day he crack opened the shell…and he found a worm. This worm had by itself consumed the entire oyster before any human even had a chance. A WORM. That is just wrong on so many levels.
All right kids, there you go. Take this as a lesson on how to truly eat with class and dignity at a high society event. Pass on the fish eggs and parasite ridden oysters, and say yes to the hummus platter and fried cheese. Onward soldiers!